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Enlivening Marital Conversations: Moving Past Clichés and Facts
By: Family First Staff
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In his book, Secrets to Lasting Love, Dr. Gary Smalley describes the five levels of intimacy: clichés, facts, opinions, feelings and needs. He states that many couples get stuck at the first few levels, only sharing polite "surface talk" (clichés) or sharing on a safe level on the events of their day (facts). Many couples hit a barrier at sharing opinions, because it opens up the possibility of conflict or hurt feelings. The first two levels are relatively safe. But Dr. Smalley warns against these "barren conversations," and provides several guidelines for moving past shallow conversation in marriage.

In the cliché level, couples simply engage in the standard polite chat: "How are you doing today?" "Fine, thank you." Dr. Smalley provides three guidelines for breaking through the cliché cycle. First couples should actually confront the use of clichés. More than likely one partner will resist, and there will be conflict. But according to Dr. Smalley, "breakthroughs require confrontation." If an issue arises, it should be addressed, not covered up with questions such as, "What do want for dinner?" or "Did you pay the electricity bill?" Dr. Smalley also advises to challenge the "unspoken cliché," meaning "phoniness, pretension, artificiality." Couples should then attempt to turn this first level of intimacy into the next level: facts. For example, instead of simply answering, "Fine," to the "How was your day?" question, a spouse can answer in more detail, giving facts of the day. 

Once a couple has entered the second level of intimacy and is ready to begin moving toward the next step, Dr. Smalley encourages the couple to begin sharing opinions. For example, even in the simple question, "Where do you want to go for dinner?" a spouse may find frustration in getting the mate to respond with a definite answer. But Dr. Smalley advises that when a spouse does provide an opinion, then praise should be given. However once a couple moves into sharing opinions, expectations or concerns, they will inevitably hit areas of conflict. But working through this conflict is necessary to eventually have a meaningful, intimate relationship. In fact, according to Dr. Smalley, "the most important aspect is not how much you love each other or how committed you are to your relationship or the strength of your faith; optimum relationships depend on how adeptly you handle conflict." 

And while sharing opinions may be risky and difficult for some people, it is a crucial step for them in enlivening their conversations and moving past the hackneyed questions, insincere politeness and the factual listings of the day's events.  

This article is based on the book, Secrets to Lasting Love, by Dr. Gary Smalley. Click here to order this book from Amazon.com.